A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?" Him: "I was out getting a tattoo." Her: "A tattoo?" "What kind of tattoo did you get? " Him: "I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis." Her: "What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?" Him: "Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow . .

Introduction: You know the drill, comment, rate, and give me your favourite jokes if you'd like to see them in a new 'Reader Favourite' post..... 1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that. 2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. Use CB lingo where applicable. 4. Order a Bi

You don't have to smile at them afterwards You don't have to get out of bed to fetch them They don't get tired before you do... You always know where your fingers have been For variety, you have ten to choose from They are also useful *out* of bed You can stop if you want to Your fingers don't want to meet your family Your fingers don't get jealous Your fingers don't smell Your fingers

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?" "Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." "Do you use it for anything else?" "Like what?" "Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex." "Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!"

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was in software services; he was never r

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatr

Introduction: A sex joke A man goes to the doctor, and the doctor tells him he only has twenty-four hours to live. So the man goes home and says to his wife "I only have a few hours left. I want to make love to you as many times as I can." So they do it, once, twice, three times, four times, and the man eventually falls asleep. About four thirty in the morni

2 Drunks walked out of a bar. trying to remain upright, they staggered down the alleyway As they walked, they came across a man looking German Shepard, hunched over licking his balls. The First drunk pokes his buddy "hey Look..." The 2nd drunk blinked and said "huh?" The First drunk Points back at the dog and says "look..." as the dog lapped at it's own Balls "I wersh I coudl do at.

Introduction: Two firemen are butt-fucking Two firemen are butt-fucking out back of a burning building. The Fire Chief happens by and screams "What the hell is going on here?" The first fireman says "Sir! This man is suffering from smoke inhalation!" So the Chief says "Well, why don't you give him mouth to mouth resuscitation?" The fireman says "I did! Ho

Two Nun's were riding down the road on their bikes. Wanting a change of scenery from their normal route, They decide to take a different road which turns out to be paved with cobble stones. The First nun looks at the second and says "You know..I have never come this way before" The second nun looks at her and asks "what was that?" The First Nun replies "I said I've never come this way

Two women, both in their late 60s and still smoking, are walking down a street when it begins to rain. The first old lady pulls out a condom and places it on the end of her cigarette. The other lady, not knowing about condoms asks," Whats that?" The other lady responds,"Its a condom, you can buy it in the store." As they pass a 7/11, they walk in and the lady without a condom asks the

3 Ducks walk into a bar, The Bartender thinks thats strange but they have money and are paying customers. He walks up to the first duck, and says "so fella... what's yer name..how ya been doing? The duck smiles up and says "I am Huey, and I am pretty good, I been outside playing in puddles all day long, thats as good as it gets with a duck, I'll have a Beer. So he serves the Duck and

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for. "Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box". Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then h

Three recently married couples spend their honeymoon's first night in the same hotel. The next morning the three woman meet in the hall and decide to have breakfast together and to gossip about their wedding night, although one of them claims she won't be eating anything. The first starts enthusiastic, "Last night my husband put his whole hand inside me!" The second bride, not surprise

A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem." "My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday." "I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all." The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my offi

Introduction: This is NOT my joke..... I don't know how many times i have to say it, but most of my jokes are from my friends and other people, so quiet emailing me saying that you've heard them before or to come up with something original, whenever i come up with something original i post it as well, I mainly just put these jokes up because I think the people coming to this site m

Introduction: Hope you like it. 1. I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give me the wine. As gorgeous as y

Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have" Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat. Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly. Disadvantages: May wise up someday. Old Yeller - "You goddamn spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable?" Also known as: She-Devi

Introduction: have some fun Not all SEX-jokes, but there is no category for "normal (ie NON sex) jokes so ... (I think they are all numbered properly with lines between each one, but sorry if there are a couple of mistakes) 1 The Finest Natural Pun I've Ever Seen 2 Phallic Symbol 3 Hockey Fanatics 4 Dumb Quotes 5 Saving A Life Redneck Style 6 The Last Rocker

A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed. The hooker says, "wheres my money?" The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictiona

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who al

President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette's not a friendly nice game

Introduction: normal events following the football game for me and my buddy Jason. This is my first attempt at publishing the events of my life so constructive criticism is welcome but don’t be an ass. It was Friday night just after the football game. I had permission from my parents to stay the night with my best friend Jason. As usual after every footbal

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice ooz

Introduction: amma nenu hi friends na peru vamshi nenu hyd lo untanu naku amma nanna oka akka thammudu unnaru, naku ma ammatho rathi jarugutundani anukoledu, oka roju nenu ma amma matrame intlo unnapudu madyanam 1:30 time lo ma amma tini hallo sofa pakkana nidrapotundi nenu tv chustunna summer kabatti ammaki ukkapostundi fan galiki amma haiga paitani teesindi

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50. Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50. Hand Job: - $10.00. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian diagnosed the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administ

Q: what the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A: spitting, swallowing, and gargeling Read 49723 times | Rated 49.3 % | (688 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:    26

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. "No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

two gay guys are about to have sex the second guy wants to take a shower before they have sex the first guy saise go haid just dont jack off without me after the second guy has been in there for fourty minutes the first guy is furious right before he goes to break the door the second guy comes out the first guy sais I knew it you where jacking off in there the second guy sais no I w

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? A. Well hung. Read 32406 times | Rated 43.1 % | (540 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:    0 comments

One day a man was driving down a country road in his car when off to the side he saw a man having sex with some sheep. Disturbed by this, he drove to the nearest house to tell the sheep's owner what was going on. When he knocked on the door a little boy answered. The man told the boy what was going on. The boy responded, "That's ok. it's just my daaaaad."

Thanks for ur positive comments on my first joke..i expect the same for this one.. While returning home Steve was robbed off his car and other valuables in the middle of a forest. With no other option he began to walk along the road when suddenly he saw a girl on a scooter stopped for him and offered him for lift.. Steve agreed and sat down with her..suddenly she stopped and got down

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow,

Introduction: A joke for the ppl who never heard it before. Please rate positive if this joke makes you laugh i would appreciate negative comments as well. let me know if this couldn't make you laugh. thanx.:) A write who's wasting his hours just to vote good jokes one this site down my absolutely free advice for you. post something funny instead of being jealous. we all

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!" Read 104181 times

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then." Read 93018 times | Rated 48 % | (2205 votes)

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him on board the airplane. About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess "

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonald

A prosperous business man propositioned a beautiful girl to spend the night with him. She agreed to do so for $500. When he was ready to leave in the morning, he told her that he didn't have any money with him but that he would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as "rent for an apartment." On the way to the office, he decided that the whole thing wasn't worth t

A woman is all ready to give birth to her first baby. The doctor, obstetrician, and nurses are all waiting for the birth. The doc checks for any signs of progress and suddenly he feels something moving, pulls back his hand and this little head pops out, sees the doc and asks him, "Are you my daddy?" "No, I'm not," the doctor replies. The head pops back in. Then the obstetrician go

Introduction: Gross True story about someone I know somewhat One day a man with his georgian wife were having sex. The wife asked,why dontcha talk when we fuck? The husband replies,cause I just dont.Your hand in my mouth makes it hard to talk. The woman puzzled,asks,I nevah put my hand into yore mouth,what are ya talkin bout?I put my whole arm almost down yor

A nice and neatly dressed man is sitting on an airplane next to a woman. An hour into the flight, he pulls out a filthy men's magazine and starts to read it. After a little while longer he removes his hat. Then he takes off his leather gloves. Then he unzips his pants and pulls them down and removes his underwear and proceeds to give himself a "hand job" until he climaxes. Afterwards,

A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..." Read 122912 times | Rated 49 % |

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me." Read 74135 times |

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando , Florida if you win. What is your name? First name only please." Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" Brian: "Yes." DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?" Brian: (laughing nervo

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."

A young boy is in the kitchen about to get some ice cream out of the freezer when his Mom walks in. "Don't eat that ice cream! It'll spoil your appetite", his Mom nags "Dinner will be ready soon. I'll play a game with you until then. What do you want to play?" The boy thinks for a minute and says "Let's play Mommy and Daddy!” and runs up the stairs into his parents' room. By the time

Introduction: A story full of sex story cliches I was just deciding which pair of skimpy panties to wear when the doorbell went. I hurriedly selected a sexy red transparent thong and pulled it up my well shaped thighs until it was snugly resting against my pouting pussy lips. The door bell rang again and I quickly selected and put on a pair of red fish-net ho