A man walks into a clock store and approaches the blonde attending the counter. The blonde says " Can I help you? " The man pulls out his dick. The blonde says, "I'm sorry sir but we only deal with watches and clocks. So he turns to her and says, "can you put two hands and a face on it?" Read 84199 times | Rated 47 % |

This couple were happly married, until one day the wife needed a complete blood transfusion. A few months later, they decided to divorce. The husband demanded his blood back. So the wife wipped out her tampon and threw it at him saying "You can have it back in monthly installments!". Read 80544 times | Rated 46.1 % |

You used to blow bubbles as a kid, right? Ans: Well guess what? He's back in town and wants your phone number. Read 81001 times | Rated 42.5 % | (1312 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:   

Three women go out to the bar and really tie one on. The following morning they run into each other at work. The first says, "Wow, I got so drunk last night that I was running around the bar with out my top on." The second says, "That isn't nothing. When I got home I couldn't get the room to stop spinning and I fell down the stairs." The third says, "That isn't nothing. Whe

Blowjob Etiquette (by a female) 1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top o

Introduction: stolen Literotica.com, Lesbian Sex It was several hours before Jennifer's 21st birthday bash. She couldn't wait. She had been looking forward to this all week. "wow, I can't wait" she said with a smile. Then she started thinking of who was gonna be there. Mostly her girlfriends, but she wondered would he be there. Charlie, was a very handsome we

In Class one day a boy asks his teacher can he go to the bathroom.. The teacher tells him "Yes You have 5 minutes"... The boy comes back 5 minutes later with no shirt on and the teachers asks him where was he.... The boy replied.."ON TOP OF BLUEBERRY HILL"... Another boy raises his hand and asks can he go to the restroom.. The teacher says yes "You Have 10 minutes".... The boy returns

Lorena Bobbit and Monica Lewinsky were out walking in the park when all of a sudden, a man with a large penis popped out from behind some bushes exposing himself. Lorena turned to Monica and said, "You know, I have a knife in my purse. Would you like me to cut it off?" "No," replied Monica, "I would rather have you cut me here and here!" (pointing to each corner of her mouth)

Introduction: A joke for the ppl who never heard it before. Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been t

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?" Bob replied, with a smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there". The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally cam

This my first post ever so hope you enjoy!! One day a daughter goes to visit her dad at work and asks "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" Dad says "Sure but you have to give me a blowjob first." So daughter gets down and starts working on him but after a couple seconds gets and says "Dad your dick tastes like shit!" He says "Oh yeah, I forgot...your brother has the car..." Any constructive

A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass." The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and I will have a look". "Fuck me" says the doctor " What could have made a hole as big as that?" The patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". The patient replies "He fingered me first".

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is t

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to

Introduction: boy runs home 2 tell his dad he finally FUCKED 4 the 1st time!! A BOY LOOSES HIS VIRGINITY & IS EXCITED. HE RUNS HOME & TELLS HIS FATHER "DAD, I FINALLY LOST MY VIRGINITY!!" THE FATHER PULLS OUT 2 BEERS & SAYS "IM PROUD OF U SON, S0 IZ THERE ANYTHING U WANT 2 KN0 AB0UT SEX?" BOY REPLIES, " YEA, H0W L0NG IZ MY ASS SUPP0SED 2 HURT?"

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash. The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them" The lawyer says "Fuck the Boy Scouts!" The priest says, "Do we have time?" Read 191235 times | Rated

BROTHERS WHO CROSS MEDICINES Once there were two brothers who were depressed. One was depressed because his penis was too small; the other was depressed because his pubic hair was too long, so they decided to go to the doctor.The doctor prescribed different medicine for them both and told them to never cross them up and to take only one capsule a week. When the brothers got hom

A very happy guy, named Bill Smith, entered a nursing home. All of the staff and patients had to remark how bubbly and full of life he seemed. Then one day a nurse noticed the man acting very morose and dejected. She decided to ask him if anything was wrong. "Why yes, there's something wrong!" he exclaimed. "My dick just died." The nurse sensing his loss tried to cheer him up but w

Introduction: For all those people that think their cars look too boring...... Jesus loves you, but I think your an asshole! Zero to dick in 60 seconds. Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes... Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready. Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can If You Can Read This Bumper St

A guy is on a business trip to Amsterdam. One night he visits a brothel and spends half an hour drinking at the bar while he weighs up the goods. After he’s turned away quite a few offers from the girls he deems that it’s time to talk to the madam. He says “I’ve looked at your girls and had some really interesting offers but can’t see what I’m looking for tonight, maybe you can advis

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull." The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant." The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his rea

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.' The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.' The wife continues, ‘But I've only been with one guy.' Oh yeah? Who was the guy?' 'Tiger Woods.' 'Tiger Woods the golfer?' 'Yeah.' 'Well he's rich, fam

Bob calls in to his job: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work." The boss says: "You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that." 2 hours later Bob calls: "Boss,

an boy is thirsty in the middle of the night so he gets up to get a drink of water. as he's going to the washroom down the hall, he looks into his parents bedroom and sees the sheets bouncing up and down. so he asks '' mother, what are you doing? '' and the mother says shes playing card with his father. the boy shrugs and walks on. then he looks into his sisters bedroom and the sheets

A car, a penis, and a reindeer were talking about who has the worst job. The car said, "Well, I have the worst job because people run into me and honk at me." The reindeer said, "I have hunters trying to shoot me every year, and I have to avoid getting run over." The penis said, "Well, I have THE WORST job because this guy puts a plastic bag over my head and makes me do push ups until

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Hallowe'en Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye. In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs. After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk pre

There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard. Suddenly the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer! Save me! Save me!" The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out. The horse says, "Thank you, thank you,

Introduction: A young teen revisits his former “love” and things quickly heat up. Questions, comments and suggestions are welcome as this is my first post here. 4 Months Prior: I paced around my almost empty room contemplating how I should handle my girlfriend. I wasn't ready to let this relationship end; but, in reality, I couldn't put off the fact I was mov

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratches butt should not

Introduction: this is real short as most jokes are. Choices A young couple enjoyed playing games of all types. They decided to challenge each other with riddles. The one with the best riddle controlled what they did for the coming week After a long losing spell the young man came up with a riddle he felt he couldn't lose. It was time.... He smiled at the youn

It was the fall of the year in Michigan. The time of year when all the cider mills show their wares. One cider mill in particular seemed busier than most. A well dressed gentleman came to this particular cider mill and he noticed a vendor with more customers than the norm. He got in line to see what was the big fuss. Finally his turn came to purchase his wares. He noticed that the appl

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball so she sought out her Fairy Godmother for advice. "I will let you go to the ball, Cinderella," she said, "but you must do two things. You must wear a diaphragm and you must return before 2:00 a.m. or else your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Well Cinderella went to the ball but it was already past 2:00 a.m. and she wasn't home yet. Then it w

How do you circumcise a redneck? Ans: You kick his sister's chin. Read 58099 times | Rated 48 % | (1098 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:    0 comments

A farmer answers his door and the city slicker asks if he can get some butter from his buttercups. The farmer stifles his chuckle and tells him, "okay." A little later the farmer watches the slicker walking to his car with a bucket of butter. Couple days later the farmer answers his door and the city slicker asks the farmer if he can collect some honey from his honeysuckle. The farmer

President Clinton died of a heart attack as a result of all of the harassment and scandals and entered the gates of Hell. The Gatekeeper greeted him, recognizing the President and said, "Mr. President, you were a good man and tried to serve your country, so I am prepared to cut you a deal. You will be allowed to pick between these three doors. Whichever one you choose, will be the one

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl repli

A man was visiting his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs h

What do blondes and spaghetti have in commen? Ans: They both wiggle when you eat them!!! Read 42368 times | Rated 46 % | (401 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:    0 comments

What do men and floor tile have in common? Ans: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life. Read 40508 times | Rated 47.8 % | (228 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:   

What do a woman and an airplane have in common? Ans: They both have a cockpit. Read 39612 times | Rated 48.3 % | (283 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:    0 comments

What do prawns and women have in common? Ans: Their heads are full of shit but the pink stuff tastes great! Read 36354 times | Rated 47.3 % | (211 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:   

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!" And so they did. As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!" And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would

Introduction: As always your comments, ratings, and jokes are greatly appreciated The Perfect Day - Her 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00. Pete figu

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain. The second lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?" "It's a condom," The

Introduction: Two boys find something. This is my first time dont be too harsh Two boys were going home from school and saw a condom which they did not know was a condom. They wanted to find out so when they got to their mom the youngest asked 'what is this mom' their mom said 'dont touch it again' and threw it in a waste bin. 'Why' the two asked their mom sh

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pret