Introduction: Recently girls have been complaining to me that all my jokes are for men, and that I'm a horrible person, well GET OVER IT........ but so that mabye, just mabye, you'll stop spamming my email account, I've got this for you to 'gloat' over men with.... 1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long. 2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. 3. Cucumb

Introduction: not so sexy > The 1st Affair > > A married man was having an affair > with his secretary. > One day they went to her place > and made love all afternoon. > Exhausted, they fell asleep > and woke up at 8 PM .. > The man hurriedly dressed > and told his lover to take his shoes > outside

A fire chief had just gotten married and on his honeymoon he informed his new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse... he said that they would have sex on the bell system. He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off... two bells meant get into bed... and three bells meant start fooling around. The fire chief came home from work one day and decided t

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch." When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?" "$75 dollars," said the first. The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess. The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she ch

Introduction: set at school will see where it goes please excuse my spelling mistakes and abreviations im not a good speller n i dont like realy long words... this is my 1st time writeing somthing like this so bare with me id love to here feed back as it is my 1st time its all about an avengence against the person that abused my best friend i hated and was re

Horses in the race are: 1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Johnson 9. Heavy Bosum 10. Merry Cherry At the Post: They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a v

Introduction: First one this is very strange and kinda creepy also basicly huge intro if you ew Okay' one day i am swimming on the lake with my swim suit with my 16 year old body glowing from the sun my skin sparkeling i see a few boys they're staring at me and me being a virgin and all well i guess i'm #1 virgin because i haven't masterbated ether well your

Introduction: Sorry dudes for some reason it will not let me wright any farther sorry part 3 has more sex and horror my bad guys but read this tho ....see all of the landscape speeding past my view then he says "ya know you never did tell me your name". "Oh sorry its Isabelle". "Ha now i know what to scream"! "Wait what" i say then the car speeds up and we're

A just ready to be married couple is at church on their wedding day. They are going over some final preparations for the wedding ceremony, when the urge strikes them and they retreat rapidly to a small private room in the church. She performs oral sex on him. After a while he emerges and returns to the men in his wedding party. One of his groomsmen notices that he has a big happy g

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly em

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching

One day 3 guys got stranded on an island, and they were captured by cannibals. They begged for their lives, and the king cannibal said, "Ok I'll give you 2 trials. I'll tell you the first one now and the second one later. The first one is pick 10 fruits of the same kind." So they set off to get their fruits. The first guy came back to the king with 10 apples. The king says, "Ok now you

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle". Read 33759 times | Rated 49.9 % | (226 votes) Vote

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertil

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache. The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party. When she got there sh

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramam

Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with

The Dentist Two guys are susposed to meet at 4:30. Charley shows up at 4:30 and waits. Finally, at almost 5:00, Paul shows up and Charley says, “Where have you been? You're a 1/2 hour late.” Paul replies, “Sorry, I had to go to the dentist. My dick's been hurting bad.” Charley says, “If your dick's been hurting, why did you go to the dentist?” Paul answers, “Because I had a tooth stu

What is the difference between a Nun, and a Prostitute in the shower? One has Hope in her soul! Read 26796 times | Rated 48.6 % | (146 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:    8 comments

A young lady who just worshiped Elvis Presley, decided to get herself a tattoo of him on her right, upper, inner thigh. She located a tattoo parlor that specialized in rock and roll tattoos and asked the artist if he would do the job. He agreed and when it was finished, the lady looked at the tattoo and became extremely disappointed in the workmanship. "This doesn't look like Elvis," s

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?" "That's your father." "Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?" Read 40547 times | Rated 51.5 % | (257 votes)

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her tha

Introduction: its not mine. A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white glo

I met a girl at a party on New Years Eve. She was about 5'5 or 5'7. Strawberry blond hair with a trendy short neck-length haircut, almond brown eyes. Attractive, and certainly nothing wrong with her. She was a little aloof in her social circles, but that wasn't what I was concerned with. We talked and drank, and watched the ball drop on the rented big-screen. Later that night we wind u

A priest and a nun are walking in the desert when their camel dies. The priest figures they are doomed so he asks the nun if he can see her naked. The nun figures what the hell so she gets naked and when she is naked she asks the priest if she could see him naked. So the priest gets naked and pretty soon he gets a boner. The nun points at his boner and asks, "What is that?" The pri

Introduction: Homer simpson sex joke THE HOMER SIMPSON STORY Marge Simpson visits Dr.Nick Marge-"Doctor nick. Homer is not interested in sex anymore,he is either too dunk or too sleepy" Dr Nick-"well there is a new experimental drug that i have that might help..but be careful with the dosage...it will increase his sexual urges"" So marge gets a bottle of pills and she d

One day a Man, selling snake oil, spies an inidan coming into town with his dog, his horse and a flock of Sheep. walking up he tells the Indian "Buy some of my potion, it can do anything it can even make your animals TALK! The Indian, wise in his ways shakes his head "Animals no talk" "Why sure they do" replied the Salesman "look I'll give you a free sample" so he pours a bit in a sauc

So this kid is walking down the street and behind him he is pulling a squashed frog. He finally gets to where he is going and it turns out to be the local cat house. He goes inside and tells the Madam that he has money and would like to have sex with a certain girl. The madam questions him at first but since he does have the money figures why the hell not. So, she asks the boy, "Which

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud. She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be

Introduction: Another old joke, and yes I love the Leafs The Leaf Fan Two friends were working and one of them said. "Hey are you going to the hockey game on Saturday night?" "Nah." said the other. "My wife gets mad every time I go." "You tool, there's nothing to it." the first stated. "An hour before the game grab your wife, carry her into the bedroom, ri

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming. After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?" Tonto replied, "Fac

A husband and wife stuck on a desert island take turns climbing the only palm tree in search of a rescue ship. One day the husband calls out, "Helen, a man on a raft is approaching." When the man arrives, they tell him their story and that they are glad he is there because now each needs only to lookout for 8 hours instead of 12. The new man climbs the palm and after an hour he calls d

One dayin Iraq, a brand new Lt, arrives in the outpost in the middle of the desert. He quickly develops a reputation as a know it all. After a while, the Lt begins to get, lonely for companionship, so not wanting to look foolish in front of his men, he calls his Sgt aside and asks him "what do the men do for entertainment around here?" The Sgt shrugs and says "well there is a town 40 m

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all. Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfyi

Introduction: Pretty hilarious story. Be careful for what you wish for. A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating thehusband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appearedand said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give themone wish each. The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her han

Introduction: Lol... love this one. Some American tourists were cruising the marketplace in Cairo, Egypt, looking for some souvenirs to bring home with them, and one of them came across a man knelt down by a camel and he asked. "Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?" The Egyptian looked at him, reached up, and took the camel by the balls and mov

A man walks into a brothel and is greeted at the front entrance by the madam. He asks her what services they offer and what the fees are. She then tells him that blow jobs will cost him $100, intercourse will cost $200, and the Monica Lewinsky will cost $250. Scratching his head he says to her, "What is the Monica Lewinsky? I don't know what that one is." The madam replies, "The Mo

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first things he sees are a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly cl

Introduction: could be true Three nuns cycling through Brugges, mother superior and two young novices It is a fine day to be out and enjoying the scenery, they came upon a calming hump in the middle of the road and over it they go. the two young novices giggle and the mother superior gives them a stern glance. Another Kilometer passes and another hump, over t

Introduction: Hehe A little old man (pedophile?) came by the playground and asked, "Where are the Children?" I said, "There are no children, the school is closed." The little old man came by the playground again and asked, "Where are the Children?" I said, "There are no children, the school is closed." The third the old man cam by and said where are the child

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?... Not really? Well, you are going to find out whether you like it or not. Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, an

Guy comes home from work to find his pet parrot has eaten all his supply of Viagra which had left on the sideboard. He is so annoyed with the parrot he stuffs it into the freezer to teach it a lesson. After an hour he decides the parrot has been punished enough so he opens the freezer to let him out. To his great surprise the parrot instead of being very cold is sweating his bollocks o

Q: Why did the Priest go to Walmart? A: He wanted to get boys pants "half" off! Read 44215 times | Rated 45.7 % | (335 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:    0 comments

Introduction: Cop tells friend how to have great sex A cop is int the changing room at the precinct when his partner comes into the locker room with a huge smile on his face. "what you so happy about?" His buddy asks. "I had the greatest sex of my life last night, and surprisingly it was with the with." "Bullshit," the first cops replies. "No, it's true. I'll

Introduction: This is a funny joke for the ppl who never heard it before. Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, H

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc." "Well," says the quack, "Tell me about your average day?" "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work". "Oh I see," said the doc. "No, hang on," sai

READ THIS INTRODUCTION FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, it's here; the third chapter in the story. Now, this one is a little different than the previous chapters. I will say now it is about Alex playing one of her erotic little jokes, and it is less romantic than the previous ones. Remember that every one of these chapters is different!!!!!!!! If you don't like this one, you may adore the next one, a