George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged, that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Oprah said, "George, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a ha

What's the German word for VASELINE? Ans: Eurweinerslider. Read 39586 times | Rated 49.5 % | (303 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:    0 comments

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedd

Q: How do you make four old ladies say "FUCK!"? A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!" Read 41935 times | Rated 50.1 % | (235 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:    0 comments

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be th

Introduction: sex joke A young man and his new bride are on their honeymoon,so the man says to his wife ''baby tonight is the first night of our honeymoon so give me some honey from the moon''.The new bride has no intention of giving him sex tonight so she says''if you can hit me a better line than I can give you you'll get laid tonight.After some thought the

Introduction: Sex with a Giant and Midget lady. On a travelling circus there was a midget and a giant double act. The midget had always wanted to have sex with a really tall woman. His partner the giant on the other hand had always wanted sex with a female midget. On their tour they performed at a large city which was notorious for it's brothels. So the two o

A construction worker in the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the other worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to hiss knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods

Introduction: Guys don't take this TOO seriously, cause you know........ It's a JOKE New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the init

A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles and hour, will you take off all your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over. The g

One night, a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss eachother goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you insane? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on, no one's gonna see us at this hour." "No, pleas

Introduction: Could not have babies. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to r

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixi

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations wi

Introduction: A tale with a twist Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go but, what can they do... Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sit

bus loaded with catholic school girls crashes and everyone on board perishes.They all arrive at Heavens Gate aAwaiting their approval to enter.The teenage girls lined up single file with Alice being first in line was asked this question,have you had any experience with a PENIS,to which Alice answered see had seen one a few days ago.ST.Peter responed by telling her to wash out her eyes

The Sunday School teacher posed the question which part of the body reaches heaven first to her nine and ten year old students.Stephanie was the the first chosen to answer and she said your arms because your arms will be above your head making them first to heaven.Tommy was next and he said your head that your arms will be at your side making your head first to heaven.Little Johnny wav

There once was a man, that was an absolute golf NUT. Once each year he would save up for an all expenses paid golf vacation on a resort Island. This year he met a beautiful woman. and they hit it off famously Golf all day, and wonderful sex all night. At the end of the 2 weeks, the man proclaimed his love for her and asked her to marry him. HOWEVER, he explained "I LOVE golf, I eat sl

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"... Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?" Good girls never go after another girl's man... Bad girls go after him AND his brother. Good girls wear white cotton panties... Bad girls don't wear any. Good girls wax their floors... Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot... Bad girls make it hot by loosen

Introduction: What eva you do dont piss on your self (Tongue Game Right) The Goodnight Kiss One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ”Darling, would you give me a blow job?" Horri

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his fina

GRANDMA AND LITTLE BOY DISCUSSING SCHOOL The grandmother greeted her 12-year old grandson when he came home from school and decided to make casual conversation. She said to him, "Johnny, what did you learn in school today? Little Johnny looked at her and said, "Oh, the usual. I learned about masturbation, sexual intercourse, and AIDs prevention." The grandmother was mortifi

The cops raided the local brothel and had all of the girls standing in line waiting to enter the paddy wagon. A little old lady walked up and asked one of the girls what the line was for. The girl sarcastically stated that they were handing out lollipops. The little old lady, having missed the sarcasm, liked the idea of getting free lollipops, so she got in line, too. When she got

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end

A teacher was giving her lessons to her first grade students. The topic was about forming a complete word from several given letters. She gave the class an oral test but, whenever she could, she tried to avoid calling Bart for the recitation. She knew very well that Bart was able to make offensive sex jokes out of almost anything under the sun. It was five minutes before the bell sound

There is a man who walks into a gun shop one day. He points to a gun and says, "Can I take a look at that one?" to the store owner. "Sure why not." The man gets the gun and looks through the scope and does checks on weight and such to see if it suits his style. While looking through the scope he says, "Holy shit! Those two people over there are so getting it on!" The owner's eyes widde

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!

A deputy sheriff was patrolling the local back roads when he notices a man lying naked in the ditch. He pulls over to get a better view and approaches the man, noticing that the man was holding his penis straight up in the air while lying there completely naked. The patrolman asks the man what he is doing like this and the man replies that he didn't have a watch and needed to know the

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the pharmacist to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-da

One day, Jim, turned to his co-worker, Dick and asked, "Have I ever shown you my lawn?" Dick answered, "I've been by your house lots of times. Sure, I've seen your yard." Jim said, "No not my yard, my lawn...that I built out in the country." Dick said, "I don't think I ever saw that one. I'd like to, though." Jim said, I'll pick you up Saturday at ten. Saturday morning

A guy walks into the drug store to buy some condoms and the pharmacist behind the counter says she can help him. "Just whip it out and let me take a look at it, and I will tell you what size you need," she said to the man. He did as instructed and she grabbed onto it and yelled over the speaker to the front of the store, "cashier to pharmacy, we need one dozen condoms medium size."

GUY CAUGHT MASTURBATING My father caught me masturbating in my room and said I would go blind! I said, "Dad I'm over here!". Read 47408 times | Rated 43 % | (564 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:   

GUY LOST IN DESERT WITH CAMEL The Arab overslept and found the caravan gone and he was totally alone in the middle of the desert lost. He decided that he would head out on his camel and hope it was the right direction. If it wasn't, he would before he died, allow himself one last earthly pleasure and make love to his camel. Hour after hour he rode in the blazing sun, but saw in the

A guy is half way across a tightrope stretched out over Niagara Falls. Half way across the world somewhere is a man getting a blow job by a ninety-year old woman. They both have the exact same thought at the same time: "Don't look down!" Read 33581 times | Rated 49 % | (145 votes)

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off the at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love

A guy has spent a long time out on the range and decides to head into a small town nearby. He's very horny and decides to stroll into the local bar and ask someone where he can find some available women. The bartender tells him that all of the men in town use the local pig pen and that is all they have. This disgusts the guy and he decides to leave the area. After spending several

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshm

A beautiful girl gets catches the eye of a young man at a party. He brings her a glass of wine, introduces himself and starts up a conversation. Seems that they like the same music, movies, food, etc. With all this in common, he figures he has a good chance to score. So he says,"Look, we are so compatible in so many areas, imagine how great we'll be in bed!" She says, "No, I can't.

A guy is trying to pick up a girl but nothing seems to be working. She finally tells him that she wants to go home. The guy then tells her that if she will go home with him, he has a frog that is trained to eat pussy. Intrigued by this prospect, she agrees to go home with the guy. When they are at his house, he tells her to get undressed and to lie on the bed while he gets his frog. He

Introduction: For those who said my last joke wasnt funny, write your own shit A guy in a hurry used the ladies when he was through, he saw four buttons ww,fd,nd and atr. He tried ww and warm water poured on him and he liked it, he tried fd which was fresh dryer and he was dried and he also liked it, he tried nd which meant nice deodorant and he smelt nice, f

A man comes to the counter and asks for some insecticide condoms. The lady at the counter says, "Sir you must be kidding." The man says, "no ma'am. My wife has a bug up her ass and I'm going after it." Read 52400 times | Rated 49.1 % | (997 votes) Vote list (Close) :

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy." "That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back." So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?"

A man's wife goes to the doctor claiming that her husband has recently become poor in bed. The doctor gives her some pills, tells her that if she slips one pill in her husband's drink at dinner, she will have the best sex in years. Then asks her to call in a week with the results. That night the woman places one pill in her husband's drink at dinner and has the best sex that she ha

A guy goes into the doctor's office with a problem. He tells the doctor that for several years he has been having trouble getting an erection with his wife. The doctor gives him a complete physical and before he sends the guy home, tells him to bring his wife in tomorrow. The guy thinks the request strange but complies with it. The next day he is back at the doctor's office with his wi

A guy goes to see a doctor because he's ...well, a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. He can't get any women to have sex with him. The doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. The witch takes a look at the problem and tells him, "Go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist t talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on h

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and says, "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, eac

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the wo

A 200-pound guy goes to the doctor complaining about a problem. The doctor examines him and discovers that each of his testicles weighs 50-lbs. "I know what your problem is," the doctor tells him. "Your half nuts!!" Read 34346 times | Rated 46.8 % | (157 votes) Vote list (Clo