An old gentleman visited his Doctor. On being asked by the Doctor what his problem was, the old gentleman said that he wanted his sex-drive lowered. Whereupon the Doctor asked the old gentleman his age. "I'm 97 years old." The Doctor said to the old man, "At your age it's all in the mind!" The old gentleman replied, "I know, that's why I want it lowered."

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. The old sailor asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says,

An old man and an old woman, who lived near each other in a large apartment complex, soon became friends after each one lost their spouse. Every Saturday evening at 6:00 pm sharp, the man would visit the woman's apartment, bringing a rented video. Then she would serve him some wine, cook him dinner, and they would sit on the sofa and watch the movie together. During the movie, she woul

OLD WOMAN IN PROSTITUTE STING LINE-UP Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why a

Ole took Inga home with him and took off his shirt. Inga says, "Ole, dat's some chest you have dare." Ole says, "Inga, dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite." Next he took off his pants. Inga says, "Ole, dat's nice calves you have dare." Ole says, "Inga, dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite." Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Inga screame

A company was in the process of downsizing when a boss approaches one of his department heads and tells him that he must terminate one of his divisional managers. "Boy, that's a tough one the department head tells him. Both of my division managers, Jack and Jill are excellent employees. This will be a difficult choice for me." He then decides what to do about making this choice. He com

Introduction: one liner jokes I'm a practising heterosexual, but bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. After making love, I said to my girl: "Was it good for you too?" She said: "I don't think this was good for anybody!" I love the lines men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a m

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the G

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?" "Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks over at the elephant. After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?" His father replies "That's his trunk son." "No, no, Dad," says the boy, "at the back." "Oh, that's his tail" replies his father. "No, Dad," the boy says, "Betw

On the rising wave of lust I believe that everyone remembers the early spring years of their lives, when the body awakens from the latent stage of psychological development and fills your consciousness with streams of new hormones, and you get these...strange... sensations... For some unknown reason, new parts of the body start to blossom and bring with this process a wave of ecstatic pleasure abo

A man's wife is in coma in the hospital, and one day the doctor walks in and changes her IV bag. While doing so, he accidentally grazes her breast and she moans. Happily, the doctor runs to the husband and tells him what had happened and tells him to perform oral sex on her because it might liven her up a bit. The husband runs in and quickly starts performing oral sex on her, but he co

A guy and his wife had been married for over 40 years when one day after returning from a visit to her doctor, the wife relayed some horrible news. Her doctor had diagnosed her with terminal cancer and told her she only had six months to live! The husband was terribly distraught and decided to pay her doctor a visit to see what he could do to prepare himself for the rough patch ahead.

A boy gave a girl a shoping bag and asked her " plz dont grap it tight, i will be back in 2 minutes, coz oranges will be squeezed, the girl reply " is it full of oranges?" the boy replied, "NO, it has potatoes in it" Read 83094 times | Rated 35.7 % | (2154 votes) Vote list (

There was a wild and run down bar in the middle of the Australian outback. One quiet afternoon a kangaroo dressed in a fancy suit with spats and a monocle comes in and hops up to the bar. "Good day mate,how can I help you?" the bartender asks. In a fancy accent the kangaroo answers "Let me have a beer." The bartender gives him a Fosters and says "That'll be $10." The kangaroo hands him

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated peni

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say," You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you wou

Introduction: Girlfriends present. A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the y

Introduction: I heard this a long time ago and i thought you would all like it There once lived a woman. She was nice, pretty, had a good attitude with everything she did. But the only thing she hated about herself was her flat chest. It was as flat as a plank of wood and she couldn't bear living with it. One day as she's walking home from work, a genie pops

Introduction: sex joke There was priest who had a very smart parrot.One Sunday morning the priest leaves for church service but his wife and daughter decides to stay at home.When he leaves the wife's lover comes over and they begin having sex,the parrot observes this when the man finishes cuming the parrot flies to the church goes to the priest and says''man

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cu

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van.....when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they b

A cosmetic surgeon in Dallas specializes in enhancements, mailny penis enhancements. One day, a man walks in and says,"Doc, my wife and I are naturalists, and we want something closer to nature. Can you give me a wooden penis?" The doctor tries to talk him out of it, but in the end, he does the surgery. The next day, a man walks in and says,"Doctor, my girlfriend wants sometihng more e

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own stu

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period,'' said the little boy. "Well, I

Introduction: These are funny,perverted, and just wrong all at the same time. A Penis Study In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the Man more pleasure during sex. After Duke published

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says:"I think my wife

Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

Introduction: plz feel free to com and mail Runner Up: Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill s

Introduction: The worst pick up lines I've heard recently. •Do you have a heated fire poker up your ass? Cause you look hot. •I love every bone in your body......especially mine •Are you a mythical monster? Cause you look unreal. •Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face is seriously fucked up. •I'm just gonna go ahead and say it-have you ever seen eightee

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when

What's pink and has seven dents? Ans: Snow White's hymen. Read 33464 times | Rated 48.5 % | (145 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:    0 comments

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? Ans: His hand caught fire. Read 31618 times | Rated 43.9 % | (147 votes) Vote list (Close) :pornfreak4870 : NEGATIVE Please rate this text:   

PINOCCHIO NEEDS HELP WITH SEX Pinocchio sought out Gippetto for help. He explained to Gippetto that every time he had sex with his girlfriend, she would get splinters and complain. Gipetto said to Pinocchio, "No problem. Before you have sex next time rub your nose with some sandpaper first." A few days later, Pinocchio ran into Gippetto. Gippetto asked him how sex with his girl

One day an airplane crashes on an island. There was only one women aboard and a lot of guys. As everyone knows men got their 'needs' so the women decided to sleep everynight with another man. After a while the women died. The first week everything went

"Let's play Pearl Harbor. This is the game where I lie on my back and you blow the hell out of me!" Read 35792 times | Rated 47.5 % | (161 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:    0 comm

ok 2 guys are working at a dead end job one is white and the other is black the white guy is always happy and the black wanted to know why so he asked him why are you happy all the time well the white guy says i get some every night well the blank guy is shocked so he asks how so the man said powms so the black guy comes in the next morning all beat to shit and the white guy asks why s

Introduction: its not really a sex story During a class session, the teacher notices two students seating at the back of his class were'nt paying any attention to what he was teaching in class. He sneaks up on the two students without them knowing. He asked them strictly "What are you students looking at down here when a class is in progress!' The two student

Introduction: List of movies that should have been porn movies Pretty Shitty Gang Bang Inspect her Gadget Schindlers fist Deep Impact Harry Pooper The Boner Ultimatum Lawrence of A Labia Gangbangs of New York How to Make a Guy Cum in Ten Minutes Womb Raider Jurassic Pork Under Dog Big One blew over the hookers chest Night of the giving head' Thrush hour I'm H

Tom the Postman was on the last day of work before retiring when he got to a house near the end of his route and there was a note on the door : "Tom, ring the bell when you get here!" So he does and the lady of the house opens the door dressed in a very provocative negligee as they say , a size too low, and invites him in. "Tom, I know this is your last day so I made you a little lunch

Introduction: Once again, not mine, got them from a site, you may or may not like them (obviously), blah blah blah........ In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: 'Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.' In a Japanese hotel: 'You are invited to take full advantage of the chambermaid.' Outside a Budapest dress shop: 'Dresses for ladies street walking.'

A principal realized one day that he was not making as much money as he wanted to, so he decided to open a whore house. He decided to use people that were around him on his other job. He used janitors, students, and teachers. When the whorehouse opened and people started to come frequently he noticed that everyone wanted to go to the third floor where the teachers were. He even offered

Introduction: Paddy looking for sex. .. A very drunk Irishman met a prostitute up a very dark alley. He asks "How much for full sex"? She says £20 "Okay feels like you have a lovely ass done deal" They get down to business and are moving along nicely. Suddenly a policeman appears shining his torch at them. "Whats going on here"? he asked. "Oh nothing I am jus

What do you call a prostitute with no legs? Ans: Cash and Carry. Read 36352 times | Rated 55.6 % | (180 votes) Vote list (Close) : Please rate this text:    0 comments

Introduction: 4 guys telling about their kids Four men were at a bar, chatting. One of the men went to restroom while other three men kept talking about their sons. "I have to say, I was a little worried when my son told that he'll start working in a car store as a washer. But soon he got promoted to a salesman and he made so much money that he eventually bou

A guys goes in a bar and orders for a beer. After a while this really gorgeous woman walks in and sits beside him. He starts thinking about talking her into bed with him and kindly turns to her, " Hi. Would you like me to buy you a drink?" The woman turns to him and screams to the top of her lungs: "WHAT? YOU WANT TO FUCK ME? NO WAY!" Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and all

Why are pubic hairs curly? So you don't poke your eye out. Read 51406 times | Rated 48.4 % | (542 votes) Vote list (Close) :slimjack1975 : POSITIVE Please rate this text:   

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He says "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad i

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He says "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit da